ADHD Parenting: How to Say “No” to Kids with ADHD

There are times when a parent will need to say “no” in response to any of their children; however, when saying “no” to a child with ADHD, there are additional considerations. Saying “no” to any child is best reserved for times when he/she/they might engage in a behavior that is potentially unsafe for themselves or others. Why would this be especially important to think about when speaking to your children with ADHD?

Unsafe Behavior

One major reason is because studies of the prefrontal cortex of people with ADHD have been shown to be less developed compared to people without ADHD. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for different areas of executive functioning (EF). EF tasks include recognizing emotions and  how we interact with others based on our understanding of those social interactions. In addition to this, the prefrontal cortex is also responsible for working to understand information that is non-emotional and having flexibility in thinking. Flexibility in thinking is associated with the ability to understand both concrete (literal) and abstract information and to apply this information in different contexts. The prefrontal cortex also includes the use of intuition, which allows people to recognize a situation that might involve more risks and allow for someone to disinhibit behaviors to delay impulsive decisions.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)

Another reason to especially consider how you say “no” to children with ADHD is because research has found structural differences in parts of the brain in people with ADHD, that increase the likelihood for increased emotional responding, which includes Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Studies on children with ADHD, using MRIs, have found the part of the brain associated with emotions, the amygdala, is shaped differently when compared to people without ADHD, and as a result, may contribute to the increase in emotional responding.

When taking into account the possibility of increased emotional responding associated with differences in brain development and structure compared to people without ADHD, children with ADHD might be more likely to be impulsive in their decision-making and behaviors. They are also more likely to have emotional responses and increased RSD compared to their same-age peers who have not been diagnosed with ADHD.  If a parent were to say. “no” on a more frequent basis, then it would be difficult for a child with ADHD to understand the severity of the situation. So what are different ways parents can communicate the word, “no” in response to their children with ADHD, without actually saying, “no” when the situation does not involve concerns about the safety of your children or others?

Ways to Say “No” to Kids with ADHD Without Saying “No” 
  1. “Let’s make a different choice.”

  2. “Uh-uh.” (Pronounced “əⁿ-ˌəⁿ.”) 

  3. “Try again.”

  4. Give a disapproving look nonverbally.

  5. Sometimes you can wait until a child gives the response you requested, without saying “no” and being non-emotional in your response.

  6. Shake your head “no.”

  7. “That’s not what we discussed.”

  8. “Maybe we can do that another time.” (Only if that is an actual possibility)

  9. “I think I said for you to …” (This would be a way of repeating what you want the child to do, rather than telling them not to do something.”)

  10. “We don’t have time for that right now.” (Only if that is true)

  11. “You can either (repeat what you want them to do) or______ (state a consequence resulting from not following directions.)”

  12. “Not right now.”

  13. “I know you really want to (action they are or are trying to do) but I need you to (action you would like them to do.)”

  14. “If you choose to (label activity they are or are trying to do), then you can’t (state other preferred activity that was to follow later in the day.)”

  15. “I will give you (state a limited amount of time and incorporate a visual timer to use, showing the passage of time) to make a different decision.”

  16. “Was that an option we had discussed?”

  17. * If using a token economy system, remove a token and communicate the reason for this.

  18. * If incorporating a “time-out” procedure, use that.

*These are used in the context of those procedures already being used for the child and implemented according to the plan that has been previously established.

References

Estaji, R., Hosseinzadeh, M., Arabgol, F. et al. (2024). Transcranial direct current stimulation (tDCS) improves emotion regulation in children with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Sci Rep 14, 13889. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-024-64886-9 

Rubia, K. (2024, May 23). Network Connection Issues in ADHD. Network connection issues in ADHD. https://psychiatryonline.org/doi/epdf/10.1176/appi.ajp.20240319